No More


Disclaimer: This too has passed and all is well. I share my story in case you sometimes feel like you’re the only one.  😉


NO MORE – a conversation with my Self

The other day I hit the proverbial wall. The last couple of Keahak channels had just confused me (something about a “selfish human” and an “intolerant Master”) and I felt like I just couldn’t keep up anymore. My journal entry went something like this:

I’ve had it. I am so discouraged with this spiritual journey, sick and tired of being sick and tired, beyond frustrated with Adamus (does he even exist?), and fed up to bursting with all the how-to-be-a-Master gobbledygook. My body is a stranger, always coming up with new aches and pains, the less I eat the more it weighs, and I see nothing but ancestors in the mirror.

Then there’s family and relationships. Ha, what a joke. Is it even possible to have an ‘enlightened’ partnership? Last week he was irritatingly self-centered, moody and ambiguous; this week it’s me. Last month he’d had enough; this month I have. In between the extremes we offer half-hearted smiles at our pitiful state of affairs and just try to stay out of each other’s way. It’s getting old.

And kids. Just when you think everything is unfolding as planned and you’ll finally be able to make up for your crappy parenting of the past, they throw in a monkey wrench and you have to let go yet again… and again… and again. [Cue torrent of frustrated tears.] But ‘all is well,’ right? Yeah, sure.

And then there’s Adamus (IF he actually exists, surely laughing his ass off at my numbskull-ness) and his snippets of wisdom. “This is the year the popcorn will start popping,” he said. “Just five, and I’ll be happy,” he said. Oh yes, and, “You have till Valentine’s Day 2016 or I’m outta here.” And in the meantime his strongest advice is to – wait for it – ALLOW. Um, right. “Hurry up – but stop trying so hard.” “Just let it happen – but here’s your deadline.” Really??

I’ve spent my entire life trying to get it right – to do all that was asked of me, to be at the head of the class, to give it my very best – and where has it gotten me? I’m older, fatter, dumber and sadder. Okay, I do have a little more money – and a whole lot more debt to go with it.

That’s it. I quit. Fukitol. I don’t know what the heck it means to be a Master, let alone an ascended one, and I’m tired of pretending I do. Sure, this is my “limited human self” talking, but what else is there? It’s what I see and what I feel, and all the platitudes in the world haven’t helped. Boo, I’m done. Gonna go back to muggle-ness. At least then I’ll (sort of) know how the world works. Oh yeah, we’re not even supposed to use power now. How the hell am I supposed to accomplish anything??? Continue reading

There’s Something About Trees

Published in Shaumbra Heartbeat, September 2008

Sitting here looking out my office window at all the aspen, pine and spruce trees that are close enough to touch, I remember that without them I could not be here, for they create the oxygen that sustains me. They breathe so that I can breathe. In fact, I am breathing the oxygen created by trees thousands of miles away from me and I am grateful for the life they make possible.

Do you know that you are breathing life for those who follow? You are creating the essence – the New Energy oxygen – for their awakening, simply by going about your life, being who you are, and breathing for yourself. Those trees on the other side of the world don’t know I’m breathing the air they have enriched. They are simply being trees, standing tall, swaying with the wind, experiencing the weather, reaching deep into the earth, and offering their presence.

Just the same, you may not know all the humans that you touch with the energy you bring. You only need to live, breathe, flow with the moment, experience whatever is happening, reach deep inside and simply be. Just as the trees have made it possible for you to breathe, you have helped make it possible for others to awaken. Continue reading

And so the end begins.. at the end of the beginning!

Published in Shaumbra Heartbeat, August 2008

Each of us have our own unique story of how we found our way to the Crimson Circle, how our heart made it back to this “family of choice.” Some of us have been here from the very beginning; some of us only months, weeks or even days. For myself, I discovered Tobias (by name) in the spring of 2002 when someone sent a channel to my brother and he passed it along to me. I’ll never forget how my heart opened when I read it. I had explored a lot of metaphysical things by then but that channel from Tobias went beyond anything else I’d ever read. It wasn’t about the information so much as the feeling of “I know this, this is HOME!”

As I devoured all the channels and came to know Tobias more clearly and consciously over the next few months, I recognized how his energy had been so near throughout my entire life. In fact, he has been there with every single one of us as we have found our way through this amazing lifetime – and that’s part of what makes this year, this moment, so deeply poignant.

We usually mourn when someone dies, when they leave the physical world and go back to the other realms. But this time, do you find yourself in a bit of mourning for the return of an angel to earth? Do you find Tobias to be almost more real than a human friend and wonder how to let go of someone who has been so close? How is it that a returning also means a leaving? A hello is also a goodbye? How can such incredible joy and celebration be mingled with such sadness? Continue reading

A Day in the Life of Shaumbra

Published in Shaumbra Heartbeat, July 2008

It’s summer, at least in my part of the world. The weather is warm, the sun is shining and there is an air of rest and relaxation around town. People are busy, going about their lives and their jobs, but there is something about the warm summer days that brings a few more smiles and cheerful greetings.

Today I finished editing the latest Crimson Circle youtube video. Being very focused on the technical details and getting everything just so, I didn’t really allow myself to sink into the energy and feeling of it. But then, only minutes after it was completed, I realized that the energy packed into the message had been sort of piling up. And in that moment it washed over and filled me like a deep tidal wave. I just sat there with a silly grin on my face, feeling the reality that I call “being Shaumbra.” I could truly feel the impact that we are having on all of consciousness through the energy we are helping to create and bring in.

So what DOES it mean to be Shaumbra? I know plenty of people who despise the whole idea of joining anything and don’t like labels – even the label of ‘Shaumbra.’ And yet, it isn’t about joining a club or a church or a group of any kind. Rather than joining something, it’s about recognizing each other’s sovereignty. In fact, the most outstanding trait among Shaumbra is how unique and individual we are, which makes us a pretty irregular bunch! However, another thing Shaumbra tend to have in common – to the great relief of “newbies” who have spent years thinking they are the only ones – is our mutual weirdness. Continue reading

Why Lose Everything?

Published in Shaumbra Heartbeat, June 2008

Kuthumi told us a joke a while back: “A funny thing happened on the way to ascension. I lost everything!”

Well, I’ve heard some pretty funny things from him but I didn’t hear anyone laughing at that joke. What’s the point of some grand ascension if you have to lose everything that’s precious to you? If every hello becomes goodbye, and every treasure becomes baggage?

So many Shaumbra have lost so much – friends, lovers, children, possessions, homes, jobs – in fact just about everything that had previously defined them. I can personally attest that “losing everything” pretty much does mean everything. And yet, along the way I have also lost a few things I didn’t expect – doubt, hesitation, lack, old wounds, energy entanglements with others, fears within myself, confusion, concern about other’s opinions – and so many other limitations I’d been holding onto.

One morning just a few days ago I experienced another deep letting go and felt the “void” that it left inside me. But as I just breathed with it – not making a story about it, not trying to change what I felt or make it go away, not holding onto what had been – I noticed something. There was less “drag” inside me, less turbulence and pull. These things I’d been holding onto – people, situations, stories – they had been like extra baggage hindering the flow of energy around and through me. Continue reading

The Suction of Seduction

Published in Shaumbra Heartbeat, May 2008

During the last Shoud (“Seduction Consciousness“) when Tobias was talking about seduction, I kept hearing and feeling the word “suction,” not only because they sound very similar but also because seduction has so much to do with the way things can pull and suck at you. When you move forward, the past can pull at you – whether a moment ago, a relationship ago, or a lifetime ago. When you expand and grow, the old limitations and ways of being can tend to pull you back into familiar patterns.

This is actually a natural effect. When you move your hand through water it causes turbulence and a type of suction as the water tries to fill in where the movement has disrupted its former equilibrium. By the same principle, consciousness movement and expansion creates the natural effect of suction/seduction as the energies around us seek to go back to their old balance.

Have you met someone who is familiar from long ago and found yourself falling into – or trying to recreate – the same old patterns? It’s not karma, it’s the seduction of “the good old days,” the inertia of the status quo, the resistance to change. Even the drama and pain of the world is so ingrained within itself that it seeks to keep its current state of imbalance rather than change and expand.

Have you ever felt the pull of the past, the old stories of who we have been with each other and ourselves? Stories and memories can be the most seductive of all. They can suck you in and make you want to relive and recreate – or run from and disown – the past. Were you burned at the stake for expressing your truth? What a seductive story that can be, wanting you to tell it over and over – or to never speak your truth out loud again! Did you love someone deeply and share momentous lifetimes together? Continue reading

A New Day

Published in Shaumbra Heartbeat, April 2008

Dear Shaumbra, one of the most exciting and potentially far-reaching creations that the Crimson Circle has ever manifested is the Call to Awaken, a co-channeling by Tobias and the amazing musicians from our Quantum Leap Celebration, Amir and Gerhard. If you haven’t heard it yet, you are in for an incredible experience. As the name suggests, it is a message of awakening, first for Shaumbra and then for the world. It is a call that finds its way into the soul and triggers something that has been asleep for a very long time.

And yet… are YOU really ready to wake up? Do you jump out of bed and race into your day, or do you linger for a while, wishing for a few more minutes of sleep? When it’s time to wake up, how many of us would much rather crawl back under the covers, pull the blankets over our head and sleep for “just a little longer”?

Ah, sometimes it can seem so much more comfortable to keep those old familiar overlays of fear and doubt wrapped warm and snug around us rather than stepping out into the cool unknown of choice and trust. Continue reading

Diving In

Published in Shaumbra Heartbeat, March 2008

Pondering this edition of Shaumbra Heartbeat, I found lots of seemingly disconnected ideas wandering though my mind. And every time I’d try to find the words it was like trying to grab onto a dream. Poof – gone! Aha, to write about the heart of Shaumbra one must dive in and feel the heart of Shaumbra! And here you are, around the world…

…gazing out on a snowy winter day… watching angel dust drifting through the trees… listening with every sense to the white silence that Gaia has wrapped around herself… and in that moment knowing the world is perfect.

…trembling at the choice that’s just been made, for it means a chapter in the book of your life is drawing to a close. A goodbye is forming that you never thought you’d say. And yet, through your determination and your tears, you see the new potentials already pressing in.

…breathing back from a very special dream and realizing your life just found a new direction. Even in the fog of “barely awake,” you feel ideas taking form, details filling in, and you know that whatever has been cooking in your crystalline kitchen is finally ready. Continue reading

The Magic and Mystery of Being Shaumbra…

Published in Shaumbra Heartbeat, February 2008


…seeing a baby looking at you over dad’s shoulder and whispering, heart to heart, “Welcome, you’re going to love it here, just don’t forget who you are!”

…hearing your name called out while you’re teetering on the edge of waking up, and knowing it’s YOU calling you home.

…getting surprised by a sudden glow of sunlight, stopping to really FEEL it for a moment, and suddenly feeling yourself expand beyond all boundaries of time and space. And you can’t explain the silly grin on your face the rest of the day.

…working up the nerve to say “I love you,” out loud, to yourself… and then feeling the overwhelming love that washes over you and makes you cry.

…waking up from a dream meeting full of Shaumbra and knowing we all just planned something big… again. Continue reading