Disclaimer: This too has passed and all is well. I share my story in case you sometimes feel like you’re the only one. 😉
NO MORE – a conversation with my Self
The other day I hit the proverbial wall. The last couple of Keahak channels had just confused me (something about a “selfish human” and an “intolerant Master”) and I felt like I just couldn’t keep up anymore. My journal entry went something like this:
I’ve had it. I am so discouraged with this spiritual journey, sick and tired of being sick and tired, beyond frustrated with Adamus (does he even exist?), and fed up to bursting with all the how-to-be-a-Master gobbledygook. My body is a stranger, always coming up with new aches and pains, the less I eat the more it weighs, and I see nothing but ancestors in the mirror.
Then there’s family and relationships. Ha, what a joke. Is it even possible to have an ‘enlightened’ partnership? Last week he was irritatingly self-centered, moody and ambiguous; this week it’s me. Last month he’d had enough; this month I have. In between the extremes we offer half-hearted smiles at our pitiful state of affairs and just try to stay out of each other’s way. It’s getting old.
And kids. Just when you think everything is unfolding as planned and you’ll finally be able to make up for your crappy parenting of the past, they throw in a monkey wrench and you have to let go yet again… and again… and again. [Cue torrent of frustrated tears.] But ‘all is well,’ right? Yeah, sure.
And then there’s Adamus (IF he actually exists, surely laughing his ass off at my numbskull-ness) and his snippets of wisdom. “This is the year the popcorn will start popping,” he said. “Just five, and I’ll be happy,” he said. Oh yes, and, “You have till Valentine’s Day 2016 or I’m outta here.” And in the meantime his strongest advice is to – wait for it – ALLOW. Um, right. “Hurry up – but stop trying so hard.” “Just let it happen – but here’s your deadline.” Really??
I’ve spent my entire life trying to get it right – to do all that was asked of me, to be at the head of the class, to give it my very best – and where has it gotten me? I’m older, fatter, dumber and sadder. Okay, I do have a little more money – and a whole lot more debt to go with it.
That’s it. I quit. Fukitol. I don’t know what the heck it means to be a Master, let alone an ascended one, and I’m tired of pretending I do. Sure, this is my “limited human self” talking, but what else is there? It’s what I see and what I feel, and all the platitudes in the world haven’t helped. Boo, I’m done. Gonna go back to muggle-ness. At least then I’ll (sort of) know how the world works. Oh yeah, we’re not even supposed to use power now. How the hell am I supposed to accomplish anything??? Continue reading