No More

jean_new 

Disclaimer: This too has passed and all is well. I share my story in case you sometimes feel like you’re the only one.  😉

 

NO MORE – a conversation with my Self

The other day I hit the proverbial wall. The last couple of Keahak channels had just confused me (something about a “selfish human” and an “intolerant Master”) and I felt like I just couldn’t keep up anymore. My journal entry went something like this:

I’ve had it. I am so discouraged with this spiritual journey, sick and tired of being sick and tired, beyond frustrated with Adamus (does he even exist?), and fed up to bursting with all the how-to-be-a-Master gobbledygook. My body is a stranger, always coming up with new aches and pains, the less I eat the more it weighs, and I see nothing but ancestors in the mirror.

Then there’s family and relationships. Ha, what a joke. Is it even possible to have an ‘enlightened’ partnership? Last week he was irritatingly self-centered, moody and ambiguous; this week it’s me. Last month he’d had enough; this month I have. In between the extremes we offer half-hearted smiles at our pitiful state of affairs and just try to stay out of each other’s way. It’s getting old.

And kids. Just when you think everything is unfolding as planned and you’ll finally be able to make up for your crappy parenting of the past, they throw in a monkey wrench and you have to let go yet again… and again… and again. [Cue torrent of frustrated tears.] But ‘all is well,’ right? Yeah, sure.

And then there’s Adamus (IF he actually exists, surely laughing his ass off at my numbskull-ness) and his snippets of wisdom. “This is the year the popcorn will start popping,” he said. “Just five, and I’ll be happy,” he said. Oh yes, and, “You have till Valentine’s Day 2016 or I’m outta here.” And in the meantime his strongest advice is to – wait for it – ALLOW. Um, right. “Hurry up – but stop trying so hard.” “Just let it happen – but here’s your deadline.” Really??

I’ve spent my entire life trying to get it right – to do all that was asked of me, to be at the head of the class, to give it my very best – and where has it gotten me? I’m older, fatter, dumber and sadder. Okay, I do have a little more money – and a whole lot more debt to go with it.

That’s it. I quit. Fukitol. I don’t know what the heck it means to be a Master, let alone an ascended one, and I’m tired of pretending I do. Sure, this is my “limited human self” talking, but what else is there? It’s what I see and what I feel, and all the platitudes in the world haven’t helped. Boo, I’m done. Gonna go back to muggle-ness. At least then I’ll (sort of) know how the world works. Oh yeah, we’re not even supposed to use power now. How the hell am I supposed to accomplish anything???

A distant voice whispers, “So… are you done yet?”

Oh great, now I’m hearing voices too.I guess in my world that’s supposed to be a good thing, but what if we’ve merely legitimized crazy? What if everything I’ve given my life to these last bazillion years is a big fat pile of baloney? I’ve got nothing to show for it – no auras, no jackpot, no magic beans, no instant anything, no gorgeous body and perfect teeth. In fact, the people around me who apparently DO have those things had them before they got sidetracked with all this ascension nonsense. I didn’t even have the smarts to get my life in order before I tore it apart.

Still whining, eh?

Oh shut up. What do you know anyway? All you can do is give me more platitudes and say something brilliant like ‘everything is going to be okay.’ Well it’s not! I don’t care who you are; this is my reality, and I don’t see anything to convince me otherwise.

Then open your eyes.

What?? My eyes ARE open. How do you think I’m writing this? 

Okay, that’s enough. Be quiet and move over. I’m driving.

But…

Nope, I’ve heard enough. You think you’re fed up? How many eons have I had to put up with your bellyaching and chasing after everything but me? No more, I’m taking over. You asked me to anyway, remember? Ah, yes, but then you conveniently forgot. That’s okay; you’re only human. But enough already!

I’ve been waiting for you to get here, waiting till you’re so fed up that you finally throw in the towel, because that’s when you’ll stop fighting me. Now sit down, shut up and hold on.

Um…

Dear body, enough struggling. It’s time to balance yourself, now.

Yeah, good luck with that. I’ve already tried.

Exactly. Now be quiet. This body knows a Master when it shows up. What do you think it’s been waiting for? Would you pay attention to all your wheedling?

Okay, fine. But what about my daughter? My husband? I can’t …

Really?? I don’t even miss her! What’s a thousand miles when the universe is our playground? I experience our love and connection at every moment. You’ve always said she’s a grand creator; do you actually think she got it wrong just because you’re not in her line of sight? Maybe it’s time to start trusting her.

As for him, I really don’t care. Be with him or don’t be with him, whatever you want. But for all that’s holy and eternal, STOP with the wretched (and wholly self-imposed) suffering! Be honest, take care of yourself, do what you want and leave the rest alone. Aren’t you done trying to fix things? How about just enjoying what is?

But …

Nope, I’m done listening to you. Cling on to your misery if you want, but I’m in charge now.

How do I know you’re real?

How do I know YOU’RE real? Ha, got you, didn’t I?

This Master is done putting up with crap, especially from my imposter. Yes, you actually thought you were me, didn’t you? It was fun for a while, but now it’s my turn.

My dear, silly human self, all these heartaches and hassles you’re fussing about are part of YOUR reality, not mine. It’s why you’re human! You wanted to play with them, and as long as you’re human they will always be there. You won’t ever change that, and guess what? Neither will I. I’m not here to fix your problems. That would be like asking Adamus to help you win a game of Monopoly. I’m here to live, to savor every moment of life, so don’t ask me to join your silly little ‘bored’ game.

But, what about …

Nope, don’t even bother. You can come with me or not. You can keep trying to get it right (hint: impossible) or let go. You can cling onto your despair or stay in the passenger seat where you belong and enjoy the ride. I’m not interested in your ragged old map and I don’t care where you thought you were going, but I promise it’ll be the ride of your life.

Are you ready?

 

Comments

No More — 16 Comments

  1. Yeah, you nail it yet again! We are all moving through similar experiences.
    I feel no sooner I find my breath another wave brings me back into the cosmic soup and now let me find my way again.

    Here the is the need to be constantly choosing AND yet know it all in Divine flow as well.

    Much love from M and S

  2. I love this Jean! It brought tears and laughter and a very good reminder to let go and enjoy the ride. I so very much identify with your struggles with body, distant children and money, ugh. Trying so hard to get it right, getting frustrated and down and why doesn’t anything look like, well like I thought it might?! Ahhh, just reminded of a John Denver song lyric, Sweet, sweet surrender; Live, live without care; Like a fish in the water, like a bird in the air; Sweet, sweet surrender….ahh yes, thank you, think I will float on that music and keep loving Me! Sweet Hugs Jean, Love you bunches!

  3. Seemed like you r almost writing my feelings when I am dictating!how funny. Yday only I was saying ‘myself’-‘ humanself,why r u
    Coming behind me, leave me alone’…Now.
    Beautiful, wonderful…bless you.

  4. Спасибо Жан! Становится легче. когда ты понимаешь, что все эти диалоги, монологи мучают не только тебя, что это. наверное естественный неизбежный процесс. Но… обратного пути уже просто не существует, уже есть осознание, что ты больше не принадлежишь этому миру, он не твой. Существует состояние некой неопределённости, когда ты уже не здесь, но ещё и не “там”. И возникает вопрос: почему ты ещё не пересёк “финишную черту?”, начинает вылезать недоверие к себе. Но меня очень выручает “И”, главное – вовремя вспомнить о нём. Спасибо Вам, Жан за откровенность.

  5. Thank you Jean for sharing . You had me rolling with laughter and tears as I have been going through a similar internal dialogue for the past weeks. It feels so good to know I am not alone in this. Sending you much love. Annette

  6. Oh Jean, your words couldn’t have been better chosen. I’m sooo glad to hear that the ‘perfect’ life isn’t perfect. But it requires a different perspective, is all. And that takes practice, no?

  7. Thank you Jean!
    I thought I was the only one feeling this way, it is so great to see that I have so many companions.
    Hugs x

  8. That’s exactly how it is! You are so articulate – thanks for putting this stuff into words. :)))))))))

  9. Thank you Jean!
    Living in the remoteness of South Africa and not having personally met any Shaumbra, at times I do feel isolated and alone. Thankful that you write these articles and that they are available to me, it’s as if you have read my journals and you have managed to express and write much more clearly than I have. I come to realize that I am not alone!
    Sending you much love
    Michele

  10. Thanks for sharing Jean … 🙂 It feels so good to slowly getting it all… <3 … To stay out of the way as the selfish human and try to ENJOY LIFE … And ALLOW the MASTER do it all… 🙂 <3 … Wow…

  11. Brilliant! I had to laugh so much, cause I recognize it too my way 🙂 Thank you for sharing <3

  12. This doesn’t make sense to me. You cannot fight with the human part of you like this. Yes I know, we are supposed to let the Master within take the driver’s seat, they’ve been telling us that for so long now. But this doesn’t feel right to me anymore. It is not right.

    I am here now as a human. It is the part of me that I honor the most. The human experience is the most magnificent experience ever. The human me is the most awesome part of me. I don’t care about being a master, I don’t care about ascending or whatnot, all I care about is that I am an awesome amazing being in all of my humanness. How dare Adamus call me silly! How can the human that has agreed to go on this outrageously difficult journey be silly??! And we have succeeded! We managed to shift our consciousness – as a human – in such a way that changed the fate of all of existence. Adamus didn’t do that. No other being did that. We did that as humans living in this incredibly difficult but that much amazing earthly existence.

    The human is not there to overcome, to silence, to move out of the way. The human is not an impostor. The human is not in the way. Adamus is in the way. The human yearns and searches for love. You can’t blame the human for that. Yes, as long as the search continues, disillusionment and frustration is inevitable. It will always be a dead end. Always. But the yearning and the searching won’t stop because you know it is a dead end. Or because you know it is not the way. Or because Adamus says so. It will only end when you accept, embrace and own the yearning for all that it is. It is what it is. It comes from the most beautiful, deepest, awesome core of us. If it weren’t for that yearning, we wouldn’t be here now. The human wouldn’t exist. Earth wouldn’t exist. That yearning is what makes me ME. Just acknowledge, accept and own it. Allow it. Sit with it. Sit in it. Be the yearning. Breathe the yearning. And let everything be. Let the beautiful magnificent human that you are be.