Disclaimer: This too has passed and all is well. I share my story in case you sometimes feel like you’re the only one. 😉
NO MORE – a conversation with my Self
The other day I hit the proverbial wall. The last couple of Keahak channels had just confused me (something about a “selfish human” and an “intolerant Master”) and I felt like I just couldn’t keep up anymore. My journal entry went something like this:
I’ve had it. I am so discouraged with this spiritual journey, sick and tired of being sick and tired, beyond frustrated with Adamus (does he even exist?), and fed up to bursting with all the how-to-be-a-Master gobbledygook. My body is a stranger, always coming up with new aches and pains, the less I eat the more it weighs, and I see nothing but ancestors in the mirror.
Then there’s family and relationships. Ha, what a joke. Is it even possible to have an ‘enlightened’ partnership? Last week he was irritatingly self-centered, moody and ambiguous; this week it’s me. Last month he’d had enough; this month I have. In between the extremes we offer half-hearted smiles at our pitiful state of affairs and just try to stay out of each other’s way. It’s getting old.
And kids. Just when you think everything is unfolding as planned and you’ll finally be able to make up for your crappy parenting of the past, they throw in a monkey wrench and you have to let go yet again… and again… and again. [Cue torrent of frustrated tears.] But ‘all is well,’ right? Yeah, sure.
And then there’s Adamus (IF he actually exists, surely laughing his ass off at my numbskull-ness) and his snippets of wisdom. “This is the year the popcorn will start popping,” he said. “Just five, and I’ll be happy,” he said. Oh yes, and, “You have till Valentine’s Day 2016 or I’m outta here.” And in the meantime his strongest advice is to – wait for it – ALLOW. Um, right. “Hurry up – but stop trying so hard.” “Just let it happen – but here’s your deadline.” Really??
I’ve spent my entire life trying to get it right – to do all that was asked of me, to be at the head of the class, to give it my very best – and where has it gotten me? I’m older, fatter, dumber and sadder. Okay, I do have a little more money – and a whole lot more debt to go with it.
That’s it. I quit. Fukitol. I don’t know what the heck it means to be a Master, let alone an ascended one, and I’m tired of pretending I do. Sure, this is my “limited human self” talking, but what else is there? It’s what I see and what I feel, and all the platitudes in the world haven’t helped. Boo, I’m done. Gonna go back to muggle-ness. At least then I’ll (sort of) know how the world works. Oh yeah, we’re not even supposed to use power now. How the hell am I supposed to accomplish anything???
A distant voice whispers, “So… are you done yet?”
Oh great, now I’m hearing voices too.I guess in my world that’s supposed to be a good thing, but what if we’ve merely legitimized crazy? What if everything I’ve given my life to these last bazillion years is a big fat pile of baloney? I’ve got nothing to show for it – no auras, no jackpot, no magic beans, no instant anything, no gorgeous body and perfect teeth. In fact, the people around me who apparently DO have those things had them before they got sidetracked with all this ascension nonsense. I didn’t even have the smarts to get my life in order before I tore it apart.
Still whining, eh?
Oh shut up. What do you know anyway? All you can do is give me more platitudes and say something brilliant like ‘everything is going to be okay.’ Well it’s not! I don’t care who you are; this is my reality, and I don’t see anything to convince me otherwise.
Then open your eyes.
What?? My eyes ARE open. How do you think I’m writing this?
Okay, that’s enough. Be quiet and move over. I’m driving.
Nope, I’ve heard enough. You think you’re fed up? How many eons have I had to put up with your bellyaching and chasing after everything but me? No more, I’m taking over. You asked me to anyway, remember? Ah, yes, but then you conveniently forgot. That’s okay; you’re only human. But enough already!
I’ve been waiting for you to get here, waiting till you’re so fed up that you finally throw in the towel, because that’s when you’ll stop fighting me. Now sit down, shut up and hold on.
Dear body, enough struggling. It’s time to balance yourself, now.
Yeah, good luck with that. I’ve already tried.
Exactly. Now be quiet. This body knows a Master when it shows up. What do you think it’s been waiting for? Would you pay attention to all your wheedling?
Okay, fine. But what about my daughter? My husband? I can’t …
Really?? I don’t even miss her! What’s a thousand miles when the universe is our playground? I experience our love and connection at every moment. You’ve always said she’s a grand creator; do you actually think she got it wrong just because you’re not in her line of sight? Maybe it’s time to start trusting her.
As for him, I really don’t care. Be with him or don’t be with him, whatever you want. But for all that’s holy and eternal, STOP with the wretched (and wholly self-imposed) suffering! Be honest, take care of yourself, do what you want and leave the rest alone. Aren’t you done trying to fix things? How about just enjoying what is?
Nope, I’m done listening to you. Cling on to your misery if you want, but I’m in charge now.
How do I know you’re real?
How do I know YOU’RE real? Ha, got you, didn’t I?
This Master is done putting up with crap, especially from my imposter. Yes, you actually thought you were me, didn’t you? It was fun for a while, but now it’s my turn.
My dear, silly human self, all these heartaches and hassles you’re fussing about are part of YOUR reality, not mine. It’s why you’re human! You wanted to play with them, and as long as you’re human they will always be there. You won’t ever change that, and guess what? Neither will I. I’m not here to fix your problems. That would be like asking Adamus to help you win a game of Monopoly. I’m here to live, to savor every moment of life, so don’t ask me to join your silly little ‘bored’ game.
But, what about …
Nope, don’t even bother. You can come with me or not. You can keep trying to get it right (hint: impossible) or let go. You can cling onto your despair or stay in the passenger seat where you belong and enjoy the ride. I’m not interested in your ragged old map and I don’t care where you thought you were going, but I promise it’ll be the ride of your life.
Are you ready?