Out of My Mind

The other day I decided to soak my tired snow-shoveling muscles (yes, there’s already snow here) in a nice hot bath before bed. Settling in to the water, I was thinking about how Adamus said a while back that “I will celebrate with you, I will dance and drink with you till the early morning hours, when you stop thinking.” “So,” I said out loud, “Are you gonna show up tonight?” The reply was immediate. “If you actually stop thinking, I will most definitely show myself to you,” he said. “But you won’t recognize me.” Oh really…?

So… how do I stop thinking? My mind went round with that for a bit, having as much fun as a dog trying to catch its tail. “Get into your body,” I told myself. So I closed my eyes, focused on my body, the warm water, and breathing deeply. My mind began to lose focus and wander off on some rambling exploration I don’t quite remember.

Suddenly, almost as if someone had nudged me, I opened my eyes – just in time to see a spider dropping down from the ceiling right next to me!! It quickly dropped the last few inches and stopped, dangling just above the water. Now, I’m not afraid of spiders, but I definitely do not want them touching me – or joining me in the bathtub! So I carefully scooted as far away as possible, not wanting to cause any waves that would wash it right into the tub. Suddenly, as if “waking up” it seemed to sense the water and started climbing back up its thread. I didn’t take my eyes off it until it was all the way back up on the ceiling!

Wide awake now, but also wanting to settle back into my “trying not to think” business, I tried to calm down, still keeping an eye on the ceiling. Then it suddenly hit me in a fit of laughter. “Goddamit Adamus, stay away from me if you’re going to look like a spider!!!” I swear I heard laughter. “You see?” he said. “It’s not that hard. And you didn’t recognize me either.” Hmph.

Now, I’m the last one to call the Adamus a spider, but I began to realize that “not thinking” doesn’t mean the same thing as an “empty mind.” It takes more willpower than I want to bother with to force all thought out of my mind. And anyway, if that brings enlightenment, wouldn’t all the people who practice mind-emptying meditation be enlightened already?

I settled back into the warm water, peeking every now and then to make sure the “spider” was still on the ceiling, and did my best to relax again. Breathing deeply, I also became aware of Kuthumi’s presence, which I don’t tend to notice very often (my fault, not his), and he assured me that if I really wanted to get out of the mind, he would be happy to assist. Well, nothing like the voice of experience, right?

So I said yes, and after a few deep, relaxing breaths, once again my thoughts began to wander and ramble. But without my focus, they began to hold their form so lightly that I couldn’t exactly remember them from one moment to the next. I wanted to remember the conversation that I felt happening with Kuthumi, but he said that trying to remember is a function of the mind. Instead of trying to hold on to it, just have the experience, and its wisdom would be there to access whenever I might need it.

I was again completely relaxed when suddenly a burst of bubbles popped out of “thin air” right at my shoulder, startling me wide awake again!! I sat up and looked around, completely at a loss to understand the physics of that little stunt. Then, in another fit of laughter, I realized that Kuthumi had just blown me a raspberry, right there on my shoulder! Hmm, this bath was getting crowded!

After the giggles were over, they both pointed out to me, “Take a look at what it actually means to stop thinking.” Each time they had “shown up” with a bit of (creepy) magic, I had been in reverie, not forcing my mind to be still, but not really caring what it was doing, and not thinking about it. In relaxing and just letting them flow, the thoughts became faint and irrelevant, drifting away like a dream upon awakening.

To stop thinking is kind of like getting out of the drivers seat of the mind, no longer directing or analyzing the thoughts but just letting them happen. It’s like the difference between floating gently down a river enjoying the scenery, versus pushing along in a motorboat trying to get somewhere. (And I suppose trying to force the mind to stop is like forcing the boat to stop all motion, which takes its own sort of willpower and force.) It goes back to simply accepting all things, inside and out, exactly as they are. Trying to stop or change what I’m thinking is just steering the motorboat in a different direction. But if I just turn off the motor of my attention, well, then who knows what might happen!! Adamus might come to visit (often seen, rarely recognized), Kuthumi might take liberties in the bath, and life gets kind of fun (if not slightly weird).

So why not just let go and have fun with it? Don’t worry so much about being “too mental,” just breathe and experience whatever is happening at the moment. Even if the thoughts are still wandering around, that daydreamy, unattached, settled-in feeling is what opens up the doors to magical stuff. And when the magic happens, don’t try to figure it out. Just experience, let it go, and listen for the laughter. It’s only a breath away!